As babies grow into toddlers, one of the most common areas where we start to see tantrums arise is around getting dressed. Between the ages of 0-3 the young child is constantly gaining more and more physical autonomy - and at the same time, pushing boundaries more than ever. The child who, a month ago, may have had no issue wearing shoes or a hat will now tear the offending item off and run away. Getting dressed can go from a quick part of the morning routine to a battle of wills that leaves both child and caregiver exhausted and frustrated. It doesn't have to be this way!
Let's look at why this is happening:
Developmentally, a child's job is to push boundaries. They need to know that the adults in their life are safe and can be trusted, and one way they learn this is by testing us to see if we mean what we say. It may be frustrating to say "Time for your jacket!" and watch them run in the other direction, but instead of giving in or labeling this behavior as 'bad', try to look at this behavior as a question: "Do you really mean that?" and offer them a kind, firm answer: "Yes, I do, and I'm here to help you."
Toddlers are building their perception of the world with the information we give them. This is why it's so important to be consistent as much as we possibly can, and to give them notice when plans change or they'll be in a new situation with new expectations for them.
Freedom Within Limits.
One of my favorite gentle parenting refrains! When your child is pushing back, they're also asking for autonomy. The situation of the toddler is a very frustrating one. They are not in control of pretty much any area of their life - someone else chooses what and when they eat, where and when they sleep, where they go, when they're alone or not, what they have available to play with - no wonder they scream sometimes! They can't even go to the bathroom or get clean without help.
This frustration and growing need to "do it myself" is the root of many protest behaviors around getting dressed. Children will often pick something seemingly at random to refuse as a way of gaining control over the situation. Our job as adults is to help them feel the control they crave - within the limits we can set for them.
One example of this is shoes: your child cannot go barefoot outside in the winter. This is a hard limit. This is our boundary they may push up against as much as they like, but because we love them and want to keep them safe, we will not budge. However - can they choose which shoes they're going to wear? Can they choose their socks? Can they go get the shoes and bring them to you? Can they help open the straps?
Try to find as many ways as you can to bring your child in and include them in dressing activities, rather than making them something the child is subjected to.
In Practice:
One way we do this in Montessori environments is by bringing the child's things down to their level. In Baby D's room, she has a small rack (this play gym with the dangling toys removed) that we keep stocked with a very small* number of options.
D. can choose her own outfit every morning from an adult -curated selection (an older toddler could help decide what they want on the rack that week) and feel confident and proud of her choices.
(*This limit and keeping out of season/delicate/special occasion clothing out of sight and reach are both important. By doing this we will completely circumnavigate any tantrums about wanting to wear a parka when it's 85F outside or a pile of every piece of clothing they own on the floor. Well, we'll probably still have the pile, but two tiny shirts and two pairs of tiny pants are less overwhelming to put away for both adult and child.)
Another area for promoting independence in getting dressed is the entryway.
Let's break down this beautiful example D.'s Mom set up:
A child-sized coat rack with a few seasonally appropriate options. I can't recommend the Tuffo suits enough for anyone in a climate like ours here in the PNW, where it rains from September to May. Keeping children dry and comfortable no matter the weather makes all the difference on dreary days.
A small, sturdy chair provides a place to sit and practice putting shoes and socks on.
A choice of shoes, socks, and winter accessories are available in open baskets. D. can choose
her own and bring them to us to help her put them on.
You might also choose to include a mirror at the child's height, and a painting or family photo. I love the touch of the plant - a love of plants is something D. shares with her mama. It's the little details that make a difference!
Putting it Into Practice:
If you're struggling with control issues around getting dressed, try following these steps:
- Prepare the environment by removing distractions and offering a limited number of options at the child's level.
- Prepare yourself by reminding yourself that it is your job to hold safe boundaries for your child, just like it's the child's job to test them.
- Prepare the child by letting them know your expectations and what's going to happen beforehand.
- Include the child as much as possible to reduce battles of will.
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